The Liberal Government in Victoria needed a way to cut the budget. The British Columbia Prime Minister,
while slightly tipsy during a Hawaiian vacation, opined that a low cost android could be programmed to do the work of a correctional
director ("white shirt"). The engineers sprung to work and designed the KIT2. Although the KIT2 looked somewhat human, problems
occurred with its artificial intelligence software. Specifically, all it could accomplish was the promulgation of new policies
and the delegation of its duties to others. Nevertheless, the Victoria Liberals did not want to admit defeat, so, they slapped
a blue shirt on their robot, named it SCO3-KIT2, and stuck it in a small office hidden away from the inmates and the rest
of the staff. Since then, attempts have been made to update its software to make it more personable and easy to get along
with. Unfortunately, this has not been accomplished and all the KIT2 can do is bark orders at the officer and invent absurd
policies that nobody can follow. KIT2s great accomplishment involved posting signs that inmates could not make toffee candy
or fruit salad. While nobody can be sure what its duties are, one thing is well known... it will find someone else to delegate
them to. The rumour is that a few tweaks of its software converts the KIT2 into a purring kitty.
LMCD S. PHILLIPS!
Lower Mainland Classification Director S. Phillips no longer
has many options for his classifications since the Liberal Government closed most of the minimum security correctional facilities
and other alternative programs and is now only in the business of warehousing offenders. Therefore, he simply throws darts
at a board to determine where to house sentenced inmates.
With his classification skills, he should have realized that
the correctional system no longer needed him and could save additional money by downsizing himself. He could easily find a
new job with his management experience. In fact, we know of a place where he could classify french fries, burgers, and soft
drinks in the correct bag.
Unfortunately, he continues to retain his classifying job
instead of looking in the classifieds for a new position. However, his boredom sometimes overwhelms him and he has been spending
his time interferring in departments under his purview. NFPC Goofs recently learned that the lower mainland classification
director bought a tape measure and actually sits around classifying mail addressed to inmates to determine that the envelopes
are oversized. If so, he uses taxpayer money to return the envelope to the sender. One inmates letter from his family in Toronto
was returned because it came in an envelope that was too large. NFPC Goofs ponders why he did not just toss the envelope and
provide the letter to the inmate. That, of course, would be too much classification to ask!
If you are sending a letter to an inmate , be sure it is not
oversized even though no published regulation informs the public what size the envelope should be.
UPDATE: NFPC Goofs learned that the Lower Mainland Classification
Director put away his tape measure and formed a new "classification" unit at NFPC. Now, all intakes visit the new unit so
they can be classified. As a result, the regular units are now overcrowded and there is more chaos and confusion than ever...
Keep up the great ideas, Steve!
OPERATIONS DIRECTOR DOUGIE WARNER!
Dougie Warner directs the operations at NFPC. Therefore, he
fancies himself the "Director of Operations." Despite directing the operations, we do not believe that he ever actually spoke
to an inmate during his career. He does, however, use his laser printer to make nice letterheads with the NFPC slogan, "disrupting
families ,endangering communities."
Recently, Dougie had a chat with his confederate, the Lower
Mainland Classification Director. They decided, with a bit of input from the SCO3-KIT2 robot, to keep the inmates locked in
their room for an extra hour. The time from 7 am to 8 am is now used for "Harrassdowns." During a "harrassdown," Dougie makes
all the officers enter a random unit to search each cell for "contraband." Dougie has the officers switch on all the bright
room lights so the inmates have plenty of time to dispose of anything they are not authorised to have (Dougies real goal is
to wake everyone up to show his power). At that time, the officers are forced to "patdown" the sleeping detainees to assure
they are not hiding an extra fruit or pair of socks down their pants. Dougie gives the officers a list to fill out so he can
harrass them if they do not find an extra pair of underwear or an empty soda bottle (that was not disposed of because the
door was locked all night).
We would commend Dougie for his tough on crime attitude, but,
NFPC inmates have not yet been convicted of anything! Moreover, the officers forced to conduct the"harrassdowns" have
other duties to perform with the taxpayers money. Maybe Dougie should personally conduct the "harrassdowns" if he cannot find
anything productive to do. At least then he would actually familiarize himself with the operations of the institution that
he claims to direct. If not, he might save the world by finding a stash of extra bread!!!